"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."
-Benjamin Disraeli, 1st earl of Baconsfield and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (1874-1880)
Often when I have looked in the mirror, I have marked my receding hairline as an indicator that I am the modern day reincarnation of the conservative former prime minister (and 1st earl of Baconsfield, which is a fantastic place to have a picnic, by the way). However, it is not simply for the marked deficiency of hair that we share; I also find his attitude towards statistics quite congenial, and it is that most ignoble of mathematics that we will discuss here, dear friends.
You may have wondered why we do stat week once a month, and there is a very simple reason; we are monitoring the traffic at the desk so we can see when it is the busiest, slowest, etc. etc. This allows the Center to better schedule staff and student workers alike; this explains why I am the lone student worker here, late on a Friday shift, without the companionship of my peers.
Being without the companionship of my peers
is likely the reason I have been so productive today.
In addition, dear colleagues, remember that each line you mark on the stat sheet is a justification for your own presence, your rai·son d'ê·tre, whatever that means. Without those marks, the administrators of this facility would most reasonably conclude that you, dear colleague, are a waste of resources and a blight upon this work environment. And we wouldn't want that, now would we?
So chin up dear friends and mark those sucka's down like your job depends on it...because it does.
PS. Diana and Mike both accused me of marking down questions using very large marks that occupied half the given space. While I will neither confess my guilt or protest my innocence in this situation, I will say that in the future all Multimedia Student Assistants should make sure to use small marks. No Dinosaur claw lookin' chicken scratch, if you please.
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